As I look back over my journey with cancer, it’s hard to say what exactly was the hardest part. Was it the anxiety of waiting for the initial diagnosis and prognosis? Or going through four months of being sick and wasted from chemo? Or the pain, disorientation, and disruption of recovering from three major surgeries this year?
Or maybe it’s where I am right now. Technically I’m done with treatment. I should be all better now. Happy. Ready to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward.
Although I’m grateful to be done with the most grueling events of cancer treatment, I’m still struggling to find my way now.
I’m still tired and sore. I still can’t move easily and with comfort. I’m still slower mentally and physically. My scars are tight. My body hurts. My energy is low.
The hormone suppressant I take daily creates joint aches and pains and adds to my overall stiffness. I still can’t do strength training or yoga. Walking up hills or stairs is a challenge. And I get frustrated by my slow progress and worried that this is never going to get better. Even though I know intellectually that’s not true.
A year ago, I was bald and in bed and sick. Today, I have hair, I can walk and lift things, and get through a day. I even took a trip last month to Sri Lanka and was able to tour sites, enjoy the beach, and socialize with new people. That’s huge progress!!!
I have to work to stay positive and focused on all that is good. I have to remind myself to be grateful for where I am and how every day I get a little bit stronger. I have to be patient. But I admit it is a daily battle.
I don’t know if there is a hardest part of going through cancer treatment. I think for me, the hardest part is whatever part I’m in right now.